59

If you do not tell the truth about yourself

you cannot tell it about other people. 

-Virginia Woolf 

The month of November was supposed to be the beginning of the next 100 days project.  I have postponed it until next year. The holidays are the worst time of year to change a lifestyle.  There is so much to do and so much to plan. There is also the feels; emotions runs high, overwhelm people in good and bad ways.   I wanted to be on a better life schedule before the holidays.  It got snagged by the little things and they became bigger things.   I decided it will be better for my wellbeing to be honest about what I want to accomplish with the 100 days project. 

First I want to live heathier and lose weight.  According to information on many health websites and magazines. I am dangerously obese.   I am under 5 feet in height and over 200lbs in weight.  I borderline on hypertension and diabetes.  I have to handle the situation now before it gets worse.  Losing weight is a good start but it is my whole lifestyle that is causing the problem. I hate having to mention all of this on an essay.  Other people have bared all and worst on the internet but I am not that kind of person and I never wanted to be.   I want my online life and real life to work together.  I don’t believe that everything has to be online. Some things need to be forgotten or only remembered by a few.

My life is complicated and unhealthy it is not good for me to continue this way.  I know this and everyone is telling me this.  It can trigger a certain kind of bad habit on my part, I get belligerent.  No has to tell me what is wrong with me when I know and live with it every day. 

Second I am a writer.  I want to complete works of fiction, sell them and live comfortably.  I have always told myself stories.  I decided to be a writer over 25 years ago. I didn’t pursue it because I was often told.  Have something to fall back on.  I was so busy with my day job that I almost lost my way to creativity.  Two years ago, after reading and listening to some great and some really bad works of fiction. I decided to do what I have always wanted to. I want to write and sell fiction. I want to entertain and inspire others to do great things.  I want to be recognized by the world as a writer.  I have gotten positive feedback from some of my work being made public.  So I will do my best to make my brand. 

Third my environment is always in disarray.  It is basically a downer.  I know that the only way it can change is if I change it.  After dealing with familial things I don’t have the energy to make my environment efficient.  I don’t have the motivation to do what has to be done.  It is a super lame excuse but there it is.  That is one of my many ugly truths. 

Last I want to be comfortable in the life that I am living.  I don’t want regrets and I don’t want to feel like all I am doing is existing.  I need 30 days to be make myself glad to be up in the day; another 30 days to follow an exercise regimen; another 30 days to make my environment efficient and 10 days to make a schedule and stick to.  No pressure. 

14 Weeks Ago

Brutal Honesty

A year from Now you may wish

You had started Today

-Karen Lamb

 This  how I feel. The truly shitty part is that I did it to myself.   Despite the title, it has been two weeks since the end of the last 100 days cycle.  It was a miserable failure, my lifestyle took a staggering fall back.  My well-being is meh.  All my positive expressions are gone. I got a bad habit lifestyle and it is hard to break. The only upside is that I see it when it is happening.  These days, I can adjust. I know I can’t do cold turkey.  I get belligerent when reminded or told about poor health choices.  It makes me, my own worst enemy. 

So I examined myself as much as I could without cringing.  Since erasing myself and redrawing my body and house is not an option.  I make a plan.   I do everything in my power to stick to that plan.  I also keep to the project going.  

In November, many writers and writer-wannabes are going to start the national novel writing month (nanowrimo), instead of doing this I will be working on my own damn novel and other writing projects. I will also begin the 100 days again.  

I am breaking my personal writing rules.  

Week 13: Day 92

The Almost End 

A year from Now you may wish

You had started Today

-Karen Lamb

I sometimes wish I had an expert to come and help me plan and organize all the things that are effing up my life.  Of course since I know all this shit has to start with me, I continue to struggle with the trying live healthier, be creative, and feel accomplished at the end of the day or week, with middling success.    

When I started this blog, I was in a really bad mood.  Last week I wrote my downward spiral mood away.  That was not my plan today but it seemed to be working along with music.  I am listening to music and Lily Allen’s Fuck You came on and yes it made me feel ten times better than I have in hours.    I thought I would be listing all my failures but that is not what is going on today. 

On Tuesday, I will initiate early morning again.  This will be mean early nights.  I was good for about 3 weeks.  I stopped last week for reasons I will not go into.   There are more things than this project that I am leaving undone.  There are at least 5 audio books I have yet to finish listening too.  More than 10 books I have started and haven’t finished reading, over 100 book bought digitally that I have yet to read. I also have a million magazines hard and soft copy.   I also have a large number of writing projects in various stages of development.  This is my career dream life.  Completely on the fritz. 

My health is also something less than desire.  I am overweight, if I go by the charts, I am

grossly obese.  Obesity is a factor of sicknesses like diabetes hypertension and heart failure. 

In my real life, the domestic chores are a pain in my ass and piling up.  I never wanted to be a housewife.  I have issues with being one with no damn husband, but that is essay for another blog.  

Some might think I am writing out my failures again.  Actually I am just writing out my state of being.  Everything above are true facts.  I am writer with little and no support on being a writer.  I would like to take a grammar class to be a better reader.  I wish my minor connection with certain people would flow into paying employment.  It might happen, it might not.  I am upset that when I sit down to write.  I feel guilty or I am made to feel guilty.  It is not fair. 

I am tired of not liking my life. This is the honest truth of everything.  Lifestyle change, weight-loss, and organization are things that I believed will help me like my life again and improve my wellness.  At this point my wellness sucks. 

I should insert a lotus flower in here somewhere.  Not going to happen.  Except at the end which is the signature lotus for the blog. 

These woes and middling successes are my call to arms to myself for myself.  I am the only one that can make a difference.  A year from now I want to be happy with my accomplishments.  I am again starting from scratch.  The project will begin again in November in line with National Novel Writing Month or the popular name nanowrimo.  The place writers go to find out how much self-abuse they can take.   I want to talk to a smart person lay out all my woes and get some advice.  I will be looking into it. I will also be praying more.  I don’t do it enough.  It that is the only time I can meditate I have to take it.  I have to fix me or else terrorist win.  No one wants that least of all me.