Week 13: Day 92

The Almost End 

A year from Now you may wish

You had started Today

-Karen Lamb

I sometimes wish I had an expert to come and help me plan and organize all the things that are effing up my life.  Of course since I know all this shit has to start with me, I continue to struggle with the trying live healthier, be creative, and feel accomplished at the end of the day or week, with middling success.    

When I started this blog, I was in a really bad mood.  Last week I wrote my downward spiral mood away.  That was not my plan today but it seemed to be working along with music.  I am listening to music and Lily Allen’s Fuck You came on and yes it made me feel ten times better than I have in hours.    I thought I would be listing all my failures but that is not what is going on today. 

On Tuesday, I will initiate early morning again.  This will be mean early nights.  I was good for about 3 weeks.  I stopped last week for reasons I will not go into.   There are more things than this project that I am leaving undone.  There are at least 5 audio books I have yet to finish listening too.  More than 10 books I have started and haven’t finished reading, over 100 book bought digitally that I have yet to read. I also have a million magazines hard and soft copy.   I also have a large number of writing projects in various stages of development.  This is my career dream life.  Completely on the fritz. 

My health is also something less than desire.  I am overweight, if I go by the charts, I am

grossly obese.  Obesity is a factor of sicknesses like diabetes hypertension and heart failure. 

In my real life, the domestic chores are a pain in my ass and piling up.  I never wanted to be a housewife.  I have issues with being one with no damn husband, but that is essay for another blog.  

Some might think I am writing out my failures again.  Actually I am just writing out my state of being.  Everything above are true facts.  I am writer with little and no support on being a writer.  I would like to take a grammar class to be a better reader.  I wish my minor connection with certain people would flow into paying employment.  It might happen, it might not.  I am upset that when I sit down to write.  I feel guilty or I am made to feel guilty.  It is not fair. 

I am tired of not liking my life. This is the honest truth of everything.  Lifestyle change, weight-loss, and organization are things that I believed will help me like my life again and improve my wellness.  At this point my wellness sucks. 

I should insert a lotus flower in here somewhere.  Not going to happen.  Except at the end which is the signature lotus for the blog. 

These woes and middling successes are my call to arms to myself for myself.  I am the only one that can make a difference.  A year from now I want to be happy with my accomplishments.  I am again starting from scratch.  The project will begin again in November in line with National Novel Writing Month or the popular name nanowrimo.  The place writers go to find out how much self-abuse they can take.   I want to talk to a smart person lay out all my woes and get some advice.  I will be looking into it. I will also be praying more.  I don’t do it enough.  It that is the only time I can meditate I have to take it.  I have to fix me or else terrorist win.  No one wants that least of all me.

Week 10: Day 73

Week in Review 

Something went wrong ... Again 

A year from Now you may wish

You had started Today

-Karen Lamb

I lost track of time again.  The 100 days project got disrupted with life.  So I am a week or so behind.  I have a planner and a general idea of when the project will end the second week in October.  I have a rough idea that 100 days equals to 3 months, today I have realized that it also equals to 14 weeks.   100 days used to sound like so much time for me.  Now I am looking at how big a misconception this was.  Week 12 will definitely be a reassessment of what I am doing.  According to my calendar, this is week ten, if counted from my last post this is week 11.   I am breaking the rules somewhere.  I also don’t want to obsess about the time lost.  I want to work on progress.   Full disclosure there is little progress.  Getting back into the routine has not been easy, actually there isn’t really any routine.  There is the acknowledgement that a good or poor choice is made.  This sounds confusing but this is what my life.  I know I want the project to succeed. I know that maintaining motivation is a problem for me as well as keeping to schedule.  The concept of time has also become an issue to be dealt with.   

The focus of this essay I think is mindset.  It is safe to say that the weekend has affected

my week more than I will like. My desire for a positive Well-being was derailed, along with the essays for this blog.   Since doing the math, it has been realized that I will have to make a schedule and keep to it diligently.   I need flexibility and I have to find ways to make the right choices, when the unexpected occurs.    

This week has been shortened since it was the Labor Day weekend.  I didn’t attend any events celebrating Caribbean culture.  I had a small barbecue that dovetailed with my neighbors.  All was going well up until a certain time, there was an incident. I won’t go into it because I don’t know how to write it out objectively.  One of this essays maybe, I don’t know if I can bare myself like that with anyone and I doubt I can do it with the internet. I don’t want anything haunting me in the next 10 years.

 There has been little or no progress as mentioned above.  This is week in review essay.  So I will say the most interesting this is that sleeping routine has changed.  In attempts to find a golden time to work on writing projects.  I am waking up at 4 or 5 am in the morning.  This also means I am going to sleep earlier at night.  I have yet to organize myself b/c once I am awake so is everyone else in life, it is a little unsettling.  The good thing is that I am sleeping.  I have been able to get some reading done.  Now the trick is to get writing done as well.

I am living this post-it right now.  I have nothing I promised myself 10 years ago.  I take full responsibility for my actions and non-actions.   I am grateful that I have the opportunity to continue to change my life.   The goal is to stay positive pursue the things that will make life easier for all involved.  The weekend is looking meh.  I am hoping the next week along with analysis will be an improvement.