Six Weeks

A year from Now, you’ll be glad you started Today.

-Karen Lamb

It has roughly been about six weeks, since the beginning of this 100 days project.    In the middle of week seven as I type this entry.  There has been no positive changes.  Nothing stated before has been implemented with consistency.  I really suck at making and keeping to plans.  I have decided to spend the next weeks making small changes, making healthier choices when possible and evaluating the strategies.   Finding time to write about anything has been difficult. 

Due to circumstances out of my control, my motivation in almost everything has been seriously depleted.  It is not a good feeling. It has involved itself in all parts of my life.   Writers that are well established have said that writer’s block is a myth, creators not worthy of creating use this excuse to hide their lack of productivity or laziness.   I call bullshit. I also believe in reader’s block and now that I’m an avid fan of audiobooks I know I have been hit with audio book block as well.  It the feeling that no matter what you write, read or listen to it turns to shit; shit on the page, shit before your eyes and shit in your ears.   It can also be a nothing feeling, hollowness that is completely unsettling at best, unsatisfying at worst.  It tends to lead to verbal over dramatics on my part. These negative feelings effects your mood and everything in your environment.

You start searching for something that will give you that satisfied feeling.  You don’t know what will do it and you never think you  will find something that great old or new to help  with this feeling of nothing/shit but you try anyway.    The inspiration to write, the fascination of the story, a narrator or music that will remind you are the person, you think you are.  Sometimes these tactics fail and you end up eating cookies, the whole jalapeno potato chip bag with onion dip at three in the morning.  Completely disregarding your self-imposed food restrictions. 

You think why the effing cookies, when fruit was on the kitchen table as well?   The easy answer to that question is that you don’t have to peel cookies or potato chips.  The actual reason is that healthy apples, carrots or celery never came in your mind.  You should have just drank 2 big glasses of water and forced yourself to sleep.   But you are stuck in the unhealthy food choice spiral.  The solution prepare yourself for this plan C moments.   They happen more often than you would like when you are trying to change it.  New plans for February and March plan C, D, E, or F if necessary.  Never let a momentary bad choice destroy you completely.  I know that I have been writing in the second person point of view, this is a tactic to trick me into following my own sound advice.  I have to start again somewhere.

This is the second essay posted for the year and the deal I made with myself was to attempt at least 2 entries a month. My earlier expectation of two entries a week had to be revised.    The list of woes are long and I won’t delve any deeper in them than I have to except  to state that it  is hard when you realize your best laid plans are being ignored especially by you.  I know that I am my own worst enemy. I should be very wary of myself and yet I keep getting in my own way and laughing maniacally while I do it.  Well that doesn’t actually happen.  I do believe that may be a sign of mental instability and I don’t want to offend anyone.  

That was an interesting divergent.  If you or any one looks back into other blogs of 100 days you will see that I wanted to do daily post then changed to weekly post about everything that involves wellbeing- the mind, body and spirit;  I believed that addressing these aspects were important for overall wellbeing.  Also include environment as well, so instead of a triangle think a wellbeing pyramid. Observing and looking at all the angles was a method to trick myself into better choices, healthier activity, and positive mindset, which would improve productivity and boost motivation.   This was a hard endeavor as my time is never just my time.   I am still stealing time.  The prize to this issue is organization and sticking to whatever in the schedule.   It is something I will have to work out in my non-publication journal.    Due to my policy of limited personal information, I will give an overview of what I will do and what is happening in later essays.  Hopefully all with be well and later in this month I will be able to give you a truly positive report.