Week 8: day 52

Week in Review 

A year from Now you may wish,You had started Today

-Karen Lamb

I am feeling those words harder today than any others.  Last year I was optimistic about my future.  Today I am not so sure.  It will no doubt affect my well-being.  My birthday was a mini-deadline.  I didn’t accomplish it and I don’t think I can make 300+words out of this essay.  I am testing myself to write something, if not insightful then introspective.  I don’t do a lot with this blog except write.  I talk about changing and have done little.  So I have little results.  I know I need to make big changes for better benefits, I am trapped in what is easier and faster to accomplish.  This is not a great idea.


The return home was more uneventful that I would have liked.  I sunk into really bad habits.  Not sleeping at night, food journal was lost.  I kept up with the water drinking because it is too not to be hydrated.  I vowed to find an exercise routine and do it; I haven’t been able to do that either.   I have too many things to do and no motivation to  do any of them.   This is disappointing, my vacation was supposed to energize me.  I think because my plans went to shit, financially.  I came back feeling unsettled.  No I want to energy to do the things I need to do and also have the mental energy to create the fictions and essays that I like to write.   Usually this is not supposed to be part of this blog.  Since wellness is a major topic for me here I have included it.  I write for peace of mind and eventually to sell my work to others who will  read and like it.  I have struggled twenty five years almost just to realize this was what I want to.  I was always told that I would need something to fall back on.  While trying to establish the something to fall back on job, I got afraid, lost confidence and desire to show people my work.  

These feelings changed for me last year.  Last year I was in a Do or Die mode and I was ready to put it all on the line.  Whatever I had, I posted some of my fiction and then my mother began the hospital roulette.  She is ill and almost everything month beginning in November 2014, we stayed at the hospital for at least a week.  If that pattern hadn’t changed I wouldn’t have gone on my trip.  I don’t want to write too much about this it because fate may change and we will be there tonight. 

The weather had run our house ragged.  We have had a few heat advisories and it has been a frog-killing temperatures (a story for another blog). We have also had decent weather, it can feel livable outside but inside I wonder if I am in bikram yoga or something. I have sweated a lot but I don’t think it has affected my weight at all.   Even though weight-loss is supposed to be side benefit.  It is the one of markers I have to prove success.  This something I have to work on extensively, there are only forty-eight days left to this challenge.  I can’t let me lose to bad habit me again.  She is a gloating bitch. 

Thinking of success, what are the marker proving that I am improving my life? I have to seriously consider what I will call an achievement and what will be an epic fail.   This post has nothing to review in the week because I didn’t really do much.  I stayed up all night on Tuesday, crashed really badly on Wednesday afternoon.  I have been worrying about a personal problem I will not talk about here. At least I got some of thinking back.  I hate being so exhausted my mental process no longer works.  Most likely on my birthday I will attempt to make the house more livable.  It is driving me insane.  Part of a better lifestyle is a better environment.  I have to fix that almost everywhere in my life.  Yikes where do I start? One day at a time right. Dang that sounded optimistic.  I blame on the movie trailer music I am listening to right now.  I am closing this post with hopes that best wishes are coming my way.  I am ending this post with the desire to fix my life for the better.